


When the Stars Fade

by Springoffanfiction



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety, Dark, Depression, Eating Disorders, Falling In Love, Friendship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Insomnia, Love, Nightmares, Original Poetry - Freeform, Poetry, Regret, Rhyming, Self-Harm, Sleep Deprivation, Suicidal Thoughts, The Author Regrets Everything, Therapy, eating disorder behavior, freeform poetry, sad days TM
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-03 13:51:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 6,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21180500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Springoffanfiction/pseuds/Springoffanfiction
Summary: Just some poetry I wrote for fun over a long course of time!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> tw//self-harm, cutting, depression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw// implied self harm

I Can’t-  
I can’t go on like this  
Hiding in the shadows  
I’m just so afraid to miss  
So instead I speak in prose

Afraid to make mistakes  
So I say nonsense  
But life just takes  
These toxins

Rush through my veins  
Depression and anxiety  
Burning pains  
There goes my sanity

A mysterious flash of darkness  
In my head  
The blunt harshness  
My skin has bled

There it all goes  
Disappearing into nothing  
Because who really knows  
What’s behind the bluffing?

I can’t go on like this  
Hiding in the shadows  
I’m just so afraid to miss  
So instead I speak in prose

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At The End of the Day-  
So tired tonight  
What is this game of pretend?  
I’ll sleep later then

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Sky’s Tears-  
Drums on the roof  
Splashes on the floor  
The sky’s tears  
The trees bend  
The clouds shake  
The world mourns  
The electricity  
Sparks  
Into the flame  
Of a thousand stars  
In the space  
Of a second  
The water drips  
Down my skull  
Spiders of liquid  
Trail down my neck  
Rain

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Weighing Your Shadow-  
Can shadows have weight?  
Because mine must have been bait  
For some terrible monster  
I’m stronger  
But much lighter

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First poems I’ve ever properly written


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw//nightmares mentioned, breaking bones, suicidal ideation (faint),

Gone-  
It’s all gone  
These shades of yellow  
Have now turned mellow  
But by dawn

It’ll be back  
In pounding amounts  
And I guess that’s what counts  
I suppose it’s payback

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Virtue-  
So what even is virtue?  
How do you know?  
How do you define mortality?  
Respectability, worth, purity, integrity  
But what defines those?  
It’s just an endless cycle  
Of definitions

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Orange-  
They say there’s not a rhyme  
I beg to differ  
I don’t want to bicker  
But trust me this time  
There’s a rhyme  
Because orange  
Rhymes with door hinge

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Elena-  
There once was a girl  
With coral for hair  
And words spilled forth from her mouth

There once was a girl  
Who was filled with books  
And her eyes shined like a miner’s delight

There once was a girl  
With a smile of gold  
And she loved her feline friends

There once was a girl  
Who went by many names  
And one was Elena

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mermaid-  
She wanted to swim  
And loved to grin  
With pink in her hair  
And her own flair  
Her voice was loud  
And she was very proud  
Loved to debate  
Her smile won’t abate  
And she loved mermaids

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Neither-  
Not a girl  
Not a boy  
Who likes social standards?  
Why be normal when you can be you  
When you can be everything you’ve ever wanted to be  
You can have the world  
In colors of rainbow  
In black and blue  
In red and green  
In violet and orange  
In yellow and indigo  
In white and grey  
In every color imaginable  
And you’re not alone  
And you never will be from here on out

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Questions-  
Have I been told that  
I ask a lot of questions?  
That would be a yes

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Night Sky-  
Dark sky dots of silver  
Shining stars engraved on black  
Night dreams fill my head with light

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dreams-  
Laying in bed, the struggle of sleeping.  
Darkness overtakes my mind and I fade  
Into the realm of dream  
To a dream of terror  
I wake and drift off again  
Only to the same thing every night

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Breaking Bones-  
Bones are fragile white rods  
Creaking with age and sorrow.  
“Snap!” with a mishap,  
“Crack!” with a slip.  
Breaking bones left and right  
Stumbling through the night.  
Pain streaking  
Bones creaking.  
“Pop!” as you stretch,  
“Click” as you bend.  
“Crackle” when you roll your neck,  
“Clink” when your body turns into a wreck.  
Bones are thin holders of marrow  
“Snap,” “Crack,” goes the sound  
“Snap,” “Crack,” goes the pain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friends-  
She laughs, amusement dancing in hazel eyes  
I laugh with her and the trees whisper in the wind.  
She climbs through the canopy of green  
I follow  
Her dark blonde hair is tied back tight  
Like a coiled spring  
Wisps float around her face  
Her smile is small but true  
She looks at me nervously  
The world is laid out like a brown and green carpet  
Ready for us to conquer  
I want to disappear  
But then she’s there  
And it’s all okay  
For a time  
The sky hovers in its blue paradise  
The clouds dart across  
We race across the field  
As the grass bends beneath our feet  
We trip and fall  
We roll on the ground laughing  
We sit awhile and talk about  
The things we’ll do when we get out  
Of school  
Like write a book or hike the Appalachian trail  
Two friends on a summer day

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Younger Me-  
Woe is the person who mourns something gone  
Joy is they who never has the knowledge  
So I beg of you act more withdrawn  
Because you need to acknowledge  
Things aren’t as they seem  
She’ll leave you alone  
Because when you’re a teen  
The truth seeps to the bone  
And you realize that it wasn’t real  
And it never was  
So someone said I was strong  
But then I fell apart in a second  
And now I proved them wrong  
And I reckon  
That if I had forgotten  
Or left it behind  
But this misbegotten  
Mess of my brain so blind  
Refused to forget  
And so I’m here  
Always upset  
But this year  
I implore you  
To just forget about her  
And then when it’s through  
You can go on like it never  
Was even true  
And you can restart  
Be a leaf flying into the blue  
A piece of abstract art  
Flying free  
Because it’s not all bad  
And even if it’s not filled with glee  
You don’t have to be sad  
So just forget

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Marathon With No End-  
When your heart grows cold  
And the days grow old  
And everything you thought was true  
Turns out to be a lie directed at you

How do you continue on  
Running a marathon  
With no end or start  
Until your beating heart

Is ceased forever  
I thought I was clever  
Turns out it was a lie  
When will I die

Is there a finish  
Or will I just diminish  
Until no one remembers  
And all there is are embers

Of a life that was once bright  
And now has little light  
What was once bold  
Has now grown old

It goes on forever  
This is a pointless endeavour  
The track is hard  
My soul is scarred

Here we go again  
Ignore the bloodstain  
Of those who failed  
And those who wailed

They were stuck for eternity  
Stick to tacturnity  
Just keep going  
But I start slowing

How do you continue on  
Running a marathon  
With no end or start  
Until your beating heart

Is ceased forever  
I thought I was clever  
Turns out it was a lie  
When will I die

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Going Gone-  
I’ll go ‘till I’m gone  
But what if I’m gone before?  
There are no answers

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw//confusing but there’s allusions to self harm, implied homophobia,

Blind-  
How can a person so smart  
Be so oblivious  
She doesn’t mean to break me apart  
But I get so envious  
Of her kind heart  
And that makes me furious

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clever-  
I’m such a smart person  
Everything I touch will worsen  
It’s not intentional  
And certainly not conventional

But it’s nonetheless true  
And it makes me feel blue  
While I may be an intellectual  
Most things I do are uneffectional

Which is quite a pity  
I may be witty  
But I’m certainly not clever  
My life’s a pointless endeavor

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shining on Glass-  
Against the clear surface  
I see something  
It renders me wordless  
So bright yet nothing

It’s not a reflection, not quite  
It’s not an illusion either  
It makes me forget about any appetite  
What an astounding feature

Outside it’s dark  
Here there’s a square of artificial light  
My fingers trace a stress mark  
And I fight the urge to rip off the blight

The marks litter my arms  
But the surface shows something different  
So many alarms  
They’re so indifferent

You can’t even see them  
I promise they’re not real  
How can I feel this numb?  
Everyone will steal

There’s the light again  
I see in it infinite possibilities  
I don’t think I’m sane  
So many disabilities

But who wants to be normal?  
I don’t need to sleep  
I’ll be cordial tomorrow  
I think I’m in this too deep

No way out, but that’d be too easy  
And after all, this is life  
I’m always uneasy  
Hey, a knife

I made a promise  
And I’ll keep it for now  
So I push away the hyoscyamus  
I guess I’ll have to stay alive… somehow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ghosts of Me-  
I see it there  
And there and there and there  
So many reminders  
So many things that keep me tied down  
I try to push them away  
But they come back  
Fighting water is ineffective  
I suppose that applies to ghosts  
Especially if they’re all just me anyway

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please Wait-  
The door is closed  
Please wait for it to open  
The fact that there are holes doesn’t mean it’s exposed  
It sure looks broken  
As long as you never see what’s enclosed  
Please stop poking  
This is undisclosed  
It’s not open  
Please wait, it’s closed

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oops-  
Oh no that’s not good  
I guess my sanity’s gone  
That’s alright though, sure

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Getting Older-  
I keep growing  
Yet I keep slowing  
I think that alright  
As long as I continue to fight

I’ll continue to slow  
As I continue to grow  
But maybe later I’ll gain back  
The relief or not having such a heavy pack

Flaws exist  
And I may resist  
But I’ll keep getting older  
And that’s enough

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bracelet-  
It’s right there on my wrist  
And you don’t even notice the colors  
They’re chosen specifically  
But you’re just too homophobic, I guess  
I’m never going to be the perfect child  
Deal with it  
(Even though I can’t)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Falling Again-  
“Fall apart  
Twice a day”  
My broken heart  
Cannot stay

Still I live  
In the moment  
Gotta give  
Back to what’s spoken

Here I go again  
My brain loves doing this  
So hard to maintain  
A charade of bliss

“If teardrops could be bottled  
There’d be swimming pools filled by models”  
Everyone’s so startled  
Nobody’s got morals

But I could fill the sea  
Too bad no one’s there  
Everyone seems to flee  
Don’t come close… beware

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don’t Do It-  
Why?  
It helps…  
Probably  
I think it does  
I guess you see me better  
Still, can’t help it  
I’ll stop  
I swear  
Just…  
Tomorrow  
I’ll stop tomorrow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sidewalk Walking-  
It’s cold  
Under my bare feet  
I like it  
The sky darkens  
Slowly  
I see something  
On the deck  
What’s he planning  
I wave  
I should’ve done something more  
But he’s fine for now  
I’m so selfish  
The person next to me doesn’t notice  
He never notices  
Keeps talking  
Keeps probing  
“I stopped”  
Lies  
“I’m fine”  
Lies  
“Seriously, I’m good”  
Lies  
And they all buy it

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happier-  
I must remind myself  
To be happier  
It’s much harder  
But it feels nicer

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ten Percent-  
10% is so small  
The chances are so slim  
And I’m so awkward  
Yeah this’ll take a bit  
Because…  
Ten percent  
It’s so small

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tonight-  
Tonight I exist  
Why do I keep reading this?  
Stuck in the midst  
There’s no bliss

But maybe someday there will be  
Hopefully  
That is, if I don’t flee  
Why do I live so woefully?

I should act normal  
Should act happy  
Instead I’m angry or formal  
I wish I could quit being so snappy

But I yelled again today  
Everything’s breaking  
Thought I found a way  
I suck at decision making

I need to see them  
But my mother doesn’t understand  
‘Cause I’m just scum  
In comparison to the universe so grand

Isn’t it lovely?  
Being so broken  
My dreams are so bloody  
All that’s spoken

But tonight…  
Tonight I’ll exist  
With this bright light  
If I was gone, would I be missed?

But I’m here tonight

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw//self harm, depressive spiral

Content-  
If I can’t be happy  
Maybe I can settle for something less  
Try to calm down  
Try not to stress  
Very unlikely, I know  
Still, I should try  
She did, and it worked  
I shouldn’t envy her  
I won’t  
I don’t  
I don’t  
Most of the time I do  
But I should try to be content  
Put effort in  
I’ve never actually done that  
In regard to this  
Never know, it might work

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let’s Go Home-  
Few more hours  
Hours turn to days  
Days turn to months  
Almost a year  
I still want the same thing  
Please come back  
Let’s go home together  
Let’s build snowmen together  
Let’s have fun together  
The year is gone  
Soon another  
By now I’m clawing at the strings  
Pulling desperately  
Now I crave an answer  
I get one  
I hate it  
I’m beggin’ you  
Please come back  
But now I know it’s over  
I’ve given up by now  
I miss you  
But I don’t want you back  
I want to kill you  
You could’ve come back

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sinner-  
I’m a sinner by all means  
If you believe in that sort of thing  
If you think that it’s wrong  
To mar your flesh  
To scoff at life  
To disobey statistics

So sure, I’m a sinner  
Sure, I should be dead  
Sure, I’m all wrong

But should I care?  
But should I obey standards?  
But should I bow down to what the majority wants?

Or I could keep being me  
Or I could keep being wrong  
Or I could keep sinning

Maybe I’ll stop  
Maybe my scars will heal  
Maybe I’ll learn to love the way you want

I don’t think I will  
I don’t think I’m wrong  
I don’t think it’s so bad

I’m a sinner by all means  
But I really don’t care  
I think I’d rather be me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Guilt-  
She says I feel no guilt  
She says I feel no pain  
Like I’m a void of a person  
A cloud filled with rain

It’s true  
I feel lost  
And that I’m not sure how to act  
But I assure you I pay a heavy cost

It’s not that I’m empty  
Far from it, in fact  
I’m so full of emotions  
That I don’t know what I lacked

So yeah, I feel guilt  
Yes, I feel pain  
I may be a void of a person  
But lightning comes with rain

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Scar-  
It starts with an itch  
An urge to destroy  
Turns to a light scratch

That evolves to a small line  
Pale pink and light red  
A small streak of satisfaction

Then to something different  
Brighter and darker  
Sharp bursts of peace

Even more it changes  
To blue and silver causing bright red  
Stinging weavings of quiet

And so the process goes  
Spinning out of control

But then I reel it back  
From red to bright to pale pink  
To only white skin

And it repeats again  
Back to the bright red  
Back to the silver and blue

Back to the bright dark  
Back to the pale pink  
Back to the bright dark

There’s no end  
Now there are so many  
Lines of brief white satisfaction

I’ll keep them hidden  
Maybe they’ll fade  
There’s so many 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Poking-  
A finger prodds  
A person searches  
They are one and the same  
Both playing the game

The mind looks for weakness  
The mouth expresses it  
Together they create sorrow  
It won’t fade away by tomorrow

They search and seek for the best way  
To make you hurt  
And what they find  
Is an irreplaceable bind

There’s no escape from your mind  
You can’t quiet the words  
They don’t care how you feel  
They just watch you reel

It’s a terrible fun  
And everyone delights  
Not knowing what they’re doing  
Not knowing what they’re causing

Too late to apologize  
Too late to take it back  
What’s done is done  
A bullet without a gun

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Falling, Stumbling-  
She left me reeling  
Not sure what I’m feeling  
Saying one thing and meaning the other  
The overwhelming sound of me being a bother 

“We will grow old as friends”  
Forgot to make amends  
Too late to apologize  
Drop the stupid guise

I’m lost in the dark  
The only thing a question mark  
Ingrained in my mind  
I grow more resigned

My flashlight is gone  
It learned how to move on  
But I’m stuck in the past  
How do I keep going at last?

I should create my own light  
But instead I keep myself in eternal twilight  
Tripping in the black  
Darker than the mind of an insomniac

“Cause even when she’s next to me we could not be more far apart”  
I play my part  
Don’t show you’re breaking slowly  
My mind is unholy

Keep moving forward  
Falling and stumbling through the night

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nobody-  
Humor covers your wounds  
Stay hidden  
Just another nobody  
In a sea of indifference  
There’s so many ants  
All the same  
Yet they’re the ones who belong  
We’re just the nobodies  
Who don’t matter  
So laugh it off  
Because no one can see the truth

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spiraling-  
I’m falling down  
Sliding  
Slipping  
I grab a hold  
And see a friend  
But instead  
They just watch  
Silently judging  
Maybe they weren’t a friend  
After all  
Here I go  
Sliding down  
More people gather to watch  
They laugh  
It’s not funny to me  
Why do you laugh  
At others’ pain?  
Passive  
Or active  
No one bothers to stop me  
Falling  
When I hit the bottom  
Who will mourn?  
Those who laugh will ignore  
Those who ignore will stay silent  
Those who didn’t notice will weep  
Those who pushed me  
Who knows?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw//Nightmares, self harm, body dysmorphia

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Weight of the World-  
Carrying a lifetime  
Is something we all do  
All of us are connected to the universal time  
Too many of us are considered loose screws

Left behind for so many things  
Outcasts and spare parts  
Are those who can’t grow wings  
While some are the master of hearts

We bear the world on our shoulders  
Join us in our burden  
It’s all in the eyes of the beholders  
Don’t be uncertain

We don’t bite or claw  
You’re the ones who break us  
Pictures in the dust is what we draw  
There’s nothing to discuss

We’re in shards  
But you’re beautiful  
Suspicious is one of many guards  
Always stay digilant and dutiful

We have our rules  
You have yours  
You may take us for fools  
But you’re the ones hiding indoors

It’s a heavy weight to bear  
The pressure on our backs  
We’ll stay strong, I swear  
Let’s see who snaps

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Trample-  
A synonym for crush  
Is suppress  
How fitting  
I should think  
Your heart is restrained  
Pulling away  
So you shove it down  
Suppress it all  
You’re just a no one  
Why would they want you?  
Your heart is  
Broken  
But you’ve never had it healed  
How can you long  
For a thing never here  
My heart is suppressed  
My heart is cold  
My heart is bursting  
My heart is yearning  
My heart is being crushed

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sleep or Stay-  
There are two options at night  
But neither seems quite right  
I can stay awake for hours  
Or dream of terrible, unknown powers

Neither are quite good choices  
I am trapped by so many voices  
They feast on my thoughts  
My sanity's in knots

Alone with only an artificial glow  
In the morning chugging espresso  
Falling asleep in class  
Only to be greeted with glass

Trapped by so many  
Everything will seem deadly  
My only friends all hold knives  
In their hands or in their hides

As you see I have quite a dilemma  
People offer me solutions but it's all lemma  
There's nothing left to hope for  
To drown in my brain or to drown in my sorrow?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mistake-  
There's been so many  
The main one is pretty clear  
It is life itself  
It is everything around me  
It is talking  
It is crying  
It is confessing  
It is existing  
Why did I tell them?  
They don't give a fuck about my cuts  
They just want me to stop  
Don't you get it?  
Of course not  
The pleasure  
That comes from something so sharp  
And something so red  
It's addicting  
One thing I've never regretted  
Is the thing everyone hates me for  
No one cares  
They just want me to stop  
They say I'm hurting them  
But that's not true  
If they truly cared they'd show it  
Too bad  
I guess it's over with them  
Seems the mistake is existing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Terror-  
Black holes in my head  
Devouring from the inside  
As I crumble  
It seems others grow taller  
Is this a paradox?  
Or am I just dreaming  
I can't tell anymore  
I can't remember my nights  
Just the feelings  
And flashes  
And that's sometimes worse

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mirror-  
There are so many ways  
To perceive yourself  
So many ways to perceive other's gaze  
But I always seem to hate myself

I don't like my face  
I don't like my eyes  
I never liked them in the first place  
I don't like my thighs

If I told  
They would say I'm fine  
But that just feels cold  
I will no longer dine

I must starve  
Until I'm pretty  
Scars I'll carve  
I don't want your pity

Impulse control is gone  
I can't handle this  
Everything will continue to add on  
Temporary bliss

In comparison to horrid reality  
There's no way to see this  
I'm no longer an escapee  
I'm a prisoner

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Trust-  
It's all a joke  
All one-sided  
No more lies  
I want to die  
Fuck her  
Fuck him  
Fuck them all  
They never cared  
When you were crying  
They used you  
So why do you care  
Don't ask for them back  
Unless  
You want a knife in yours  
Backstabbing  
Lying  
Manipulative  
It doesn't matter  
Why would they like you?  
It was a fucking lie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lemma- noun: a subsidiary proposition that is assumed to be true in order to prove another proposition
> 
> :) yes I used RhymeZone okay-
> 
> I can't remember the last time I slept for more than 5 hours without having awful nightmares. People keep telling me to sleep but I'd rather NOT wake up screaming drenched in sweat, you know? Anyway- Sleep or Stay is about my sleeping disorders lol.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw//self harm, depression, being attacked

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Empty-  
I don't want to live  
I don't want to breathe  
Even if I have a heartbeat that doesn't mean I thrive  
Under my skin I seethe

Anger unspoken boils  
Until I am consumed by fire  
This war has many spoils  
All backfire

My resolve and passion crumbles  
Beneath the heat  
Happiness, it stumbles  
I no longer want to eat

I have no inspiration  
I have no motivation  
All I can feel is frustration  
Living ration to ration

An empty husk is all that's left  
How to feel, I wonder?  
Happiness has been replaced with theft  
Only so long until I go under

Going on takes so much energy  
But I have none  
My blood is filled with lethargy  
The only thing to my temple: a gun

I want it to end  
I want it to stop  
I want it to cease  
But I'm to scared chop

So I suffer as this creature  
Scarred and broken  
A single good feature  
Always goes unspoken

I will live as a shell  
So I will suffer in silence  
My worries I will dwell  
I can only take so much

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Desperate Lies-  
Fight, flight, or freeze  
Yet I choose option B  
My worry will never ease  
I never seem to feel glee

Grasping stiff plastic  
My one relief is pain  
Does this change seem drastic?  
However happiness I've feined

I cannot continue with no purpose  
One-sided  
I understand you're nervous  
But this has become divided

My tongue is twisted  
No point in futile truths  
To ones who stand tightfisted  
They scream at youths

Some many people say the same  
Deceit and trickery is what I've become  
My sanity aflame  
Better just to play it dumb

The other option is less pleasant  
So I apologize  
This is an ugly present  
But it's time to break ties

This is four years coming  
Years I've wasted in your clutch  
You can be rather unbecoming  
But I crave your touch

I ache for approval  
And for the longest time  
You were the only removal  
Such a terrible crime

I'm just a desperate mess  
Don't mind my weeping  
It's just from the stress  
Of never sleeping

I don't deserve a break  
I don't deserve a friend  
So instead I stay awake  
There has to be an end

So I'm making my own  
We're done

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Time-  
Always running fast  
Never in my favor  
Yet too slow to count

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tears of Long-  
My light is fading quickly  
I apologize in advance  
Yet that's all I ever do  
Sorry I exist  
Sorry I'm alive  
Sorry I breathe  
Soon I will die  
It's inevitable  
The tears will finally come  
Breaking the numbness  
I'll finally be done

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yawns Swallowing Me Whole-  
It's late again  
Dark sky  
Blank mind  
Filled with thoughts  
I observe from afar  
Because what other option is there?  
I crave unconsciousness  
But I never reach it  
There's either tears  
Or fears  
No in between  
I just wish  
There was an answer  
To this question  
I seek it  
In my dreams  
In my waking hours  
It runs away  
No escape now  
They swallow me whole  
I cry  
Because there's nothing left  
This is all  
Less sleep  
Means less thinking  
And that's now a good thing  
So I'll weep until 3 am  
So fucking pathetic

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lilith-

Beaten and bruised

Her eyes so confused

Blue ocean seas

Her desprate pleas

Such a waste

Scars on her waist

Pretty little lies

Continue to grow in size

Long hair of silken gold

A promise to uphold

Silver flashes quick and bright

Bringing a terrible light

It’ll be quick but not painless

Sometimes she wishes she was brainless

The wound opens ever-wider

Her fears are not as simple as a spider

Arching pale down her face

Such a beautiful disgrace

No point in leaving

When life just keeps heaving

Slogging through dark mulch

She can only indulge

Terrors behind her eyes

This time there is no prize

Except tears and blood

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my depression was really bad today... so that was so FUN
> 
> also the mental hospital is going alright i guess, only 3 days into the program. its outpatient so i get to sleep in my own bed yay ^u^
> 
> Lilith *is not about me*


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw//self harm, suicidal ideation, OCD, violent harm thoughts

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Strangle-  
How can you not trust me  
When blood fills my mind  
I only have three  
I am not defined

Instead of blood on you  
Razors against my legs  
Time to make a breakthrough  
Down to the dregs

My brain is killing slowly  
As long as you are alive  
Even if you find me unholy  
Add five

Blood drips down  
I wish I had the courage  
Gouging my eye out, such a letdown  
A gory storage

Stab and slash with cold  
Pull and smash with heat  
My anger does not mold  
I need to take a seat

You don't trust me not to attack  
And I think you have good reason  
I swear I'm not on crack  
I am my own treason

So to the tracks I bike  
Wishing for the moment to end it all  
My anxiety spike  
My flesh I will maul

Over and over  
And each time  
My consciousness commits to the crossover  
Sanity I pantomime

Thoughts are my bane  
I want to kill them

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Forgettable-  
Light fades quickly  
Over the horizon  
It matters to them  
And you don't  
So quit talking  
Move back  
The sunrise is better  
Than your presence  
Fade like the light  
Into the dark unknown  
No one will notice

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Canyons Deeper than My Soul-

Numbness overtakes me  
A small pill will help me sleep, they say  
I nod along, blindly agree  
My mind feels grey

An empty husk  
I can do better  
Bleed until dusk  
Hidden by a sweater

These ones are easier  
Digging in faster  
Such an evil releaser  
Something larger is astir

When it finally emerges  
Prompted by the thin smooth slide  
At last, quenches my urges  
"Accidentints" I cried

And now I want to tear  
More canyons on my flesh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote all of these in the mental hospital so... yeah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// depression, anxiety, self harm mentions

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fake It-  
Wearing mask of glittery gold  
Telling more stories than tales I've been told  
Covering my tears with diamonds shimmering  
My sorrow wells in pools ever glimmering

I'll continue on as far as I can  
Pushing forward ignoring your hand  
Numb my pain so that I can thrive   
Otherwise I may not survive

Living a lie is no way to stay  
But the truth is much harder to pay  
Eventually these tales become true  
Stand by me, for I'm nothing without you

Fake it until i make it  
Moving through, bit by bit  
Face covered in a golden glow  
I've put on quite a show...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Perspectives-  
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens  
I see wilted petals and lifeless toys  
Hold your hands close, you forgot mittens  
And all the men are just boys

Tugging hair until it's gone  
I'd rather play chase than be killed  
In the playground, on the lawn  
Adults complain about being billed

I'd rather be broke  
I'd rather be teased  
Than made to choke  
By people who all leave

Feelings are irrelevant to their peace of mind  
They gossip and giggle in groups  
But soon you'll find  
Nothing is what it seems

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Polar Opposite-  
How do I feel numb and plain  
And yet always be at blame?  
I'm empty inside  
Nothing to hide

Yet everything's ablaze  
See nothing on my face  
My nerves leap and sting  
In my head I hear crashing... cling, cling

No rest for the weary   
It doesn't matter how bleary  
Your eyes, or the circles beneath  
You don't want to see the sword in that sheath

Screaming and shouting   
Empty and cold  
I'm nothing if not irregular

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chaos-  
Pulsing  
My head  
My veins  
I don't belong  
Nothing  
Everything  
My leg is far gone  
My mind is worse

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Space-  
Time is a power  
Beheld by space  
They echo each other  
Creating such a sacred space  
A sliver of stars  
A flash of lights  
Jupiter, Neptune, Uranus, Mars  
And planets that we've never met  
They grow and fade  
No limits have been set   
A secret the universe made  
For us to forget our pain  
A clock ticks slow  
Sets loose a bleeding stain  
Nowhere to go  
But back in time  
To a planet so old it will fill your mind  
Full of water and forests sublime  
And things you won't wish to find  
Close your eyes and wish away  
To a place where time and space  
Never chose to stay...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw//self harm

Hate-  
Burning bones  
Reckless tones  
I hear in my head  
Tossing in bed  
Hurting my veins  
Held down by these chains  
I never claimed love to you  
Only said what was due  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OMG-  
Do you love me now?  
Or is it still a lie  
I can't imagine how  
You don't feel an urge to die  
Oh my god  
I want to end  
This stupid facade  
Or my life

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alone-  
I can't feel my head  
It pounds as I sew this thread  
Through my lips  
Hidden cuts on my hips  
I have no one to trust  
I will do what I must  
I implore you to stay  
Myself I will weigh  
In secret I hide  
My feelings intensified  
Surrounded and scared  
I was so unprepared

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

20 And Sad-  
I lost a friend, I lost a friend  
I lost my mind  
Neither ever existed  
Just broken shrapnel  
When I am older  
I wonder  
If the same demons will cloud my eyes  
If I'll be  
Twenty  
And still feeling the same pain  
When I'm thirty-three  
Will I inject poison  
Into my veins?  
Will I still  
Cut my flesh?  
Will I still  
Be so broken?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Questions-  
I wonder if they can see  
The pain in my eyes  
The person I pretend to be  
How long will I keep up this guise

Small shadows flit throughout  
What do they symbolize?  
Regret, simple pain, doubt?  
I wish I could cut these ties

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw//self harm, suicide, eating disorders

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stars in Their Eyes-  
I want to see the clouds above  
Reflected in those eyes  
This is more than puppy love  
Pearly blue skies

Fire in my veins when they get too close  
Its anger but better  
I shall never disclose  
Let them wear my sweater

It's a space so divine  
I'm afraid to step in  
Afraid of ruining a thing so fine  
Somehow I let them win

This is such a rush

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Despair-  
I can't stop them  
It hurts too much  
I am helpless and hopeless  
They all fall down  
Down into the river of blood  
I'm the only one left standing  
I wish I was down there with them  
But when i jump i just float  
My arms held up by puppet strings  
"Eat more"  
"Stop cutting"  
"Focus on yourself'  
When I never want any of this  
One in a hospital, two on the way  
I am the only one left  
And it hurts more than any blade  
So I will hide it better  
And I will act happier  
And I will eat more  
And I will stop talking  
I will help them all  
My dream cannot come true  
If this happens, dear reader  
I will take a blade to my wrist  
And cease to exist

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adrenaline-  
I feel my body shake and thrum  
It wants to go places  
Run until we reach the horizon and beyond  
It’s such a peculiar rush  
But when I glance over  
At thing person that has become my world  
I feel a jolt  
Better than any drug

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dreams and Hopes-  
I want to be a few years older  
Just 5 years more  
Then my dreams will become attainable  
Skipping all of the torture of today  
I want to have knowledge  
How to kiss properly  
What it feels like to wake up next to them  
Playing my first volleyball game  
I want this and more

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kitten-  
Hair tumbling like a waterfall  
Graceful and elegant, straight but wispy  
Curling up at the bottom like the foam  
Eyes like twin stars  
I cannot describe their color in any way that would do them justice  
A mixture and swirl that takes my breath away  
I look over  
And my lungs seize up  
No more air can be drawn in  
But I would be happy to die this way  
With your image burned into my retinas  
Skin so soft  
I don’t care how it may be marred  
To me it will always feel silky and smooth  
Your hugs feel like home  
Warm and comforting, I never want to let go  
Everything my house is not  
You are everything I am not  
And I know you’ll disagree and reverse the script  
But I will always think of you as perfect  
Because you are

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two very different poems- one is about being in love and feeling like you're on top the world- and the other is feeling like you're burning in hell and can't get out but your friends are even deeper in hell and you can't help them either
> 
> Edit: added more love poems bc I’m a lovestruck foooooool
> 
> Anyway stay safe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw//death, suicide, sounds like abuse but is actually self harm, maybe a bit of toxicness, self harm, eating disorders

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~

Empty-

Oh god why am I here

There's only one thing I hear

"You have to keep going."

But I keep slowing

It's not for myself

There are no books on my shelf

Only poems of pain

The mysterious red stain

I can't feel my chest

They say I've been blessed

With this thing called life

But I see a knife

And I wonder if the other side is better

Pull up my sweater

The smack on my arms

Sends out alarms

The sting on my side

I may have lied

My muscles burn like fire

God I never aspire

To be like myself

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~

Don't Leave Me-

I don't have any way 

So I did it mentally

Screaming your name as I die

It hurts so much

I cant feel my bones

They are hollow

Cavities where there should be marrow

I can't do this

You want to leave

I have for a while

How will we get out of this fucking mess

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~

Love-

You force me to vomit the words

Onto your perfect reputation

Cutting me into thirds

I want to give in to flirtation

But you say no quicker than I can think

There are two types of love that I've found

One that madness is the brink

One that I will rebound

I much prefer the second, they leave me sane

Rather than your confines

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~

Cured-

They say I’m fine

They say I’m better

I’m their little puppet

Going about my life, wrists held high

Hide your scars and cuts

Smile big for all to see

Good little girl

The perfect little pumpkin

But jack-o-lanterns are held high

Riddled with pain, torn apart

And said to be scary

What does that make me?

Lucky for them,

I’m happy as could be

I’m better, I’m cured

I’m happy, I’m fine

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~  
  
Pretty-

I will never be your idea of beauty

My face is ruined with blotches of melatonin

Marred by bloody circles

My stomach is too flat, not hollow

You say it’s never enough

My thighs are ruined with huge purple scratches

It’s never better

Never good enough

Never pretty enough

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~

Hush (No One Has to Know)-

Hush little darling,

Don’t say a fucking word

You’re never done quarreling 

Your eyes are blurred

No one has to know 

You’re crumbling to pieces

About to overflow

The probability decreases

Of a genuine smile

You’ll barely see

Instead just a person so vile

Pain you get for free

  
If that mockingbird don’t sing-

Weep for days

To sanity you cling

Falling down under their praise

It’s all a _fucking_ lie

Let me die.   
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~

Pounds-

I'll be fine without it

But all I do is write about it

It's like my head it underwater

I cant eat

Or I'll drown

The number keeps dropping

And I feel worse and worse

Because the mania is gone

Left behind

Is just the vomit-stained patches

Of misbegotten hope.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~~-~-~-~-~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am #worried about people in my life so send good vibes to them pls

**Author's Note:**

> Basically some of my thoughts dealing with insomnia, depression, anxiety, regret, anger, all that good shit.  
In other words, mental health issues.
> 
> Some song lyrics are used in my poetry


End file.
